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Life Insurance (working title)

I act like being “covered by grace”
is insurance against a foolish mistake;
a promise from God to intervene
should I ever decide that I need a “plan B”.
“Don’t worry about me, I’m covered.”

I’m a pretty decent person:
I’m caring, compassionate, helpful, devout.
I’m conscientious and diligent,
I relentlessly pour myself out…
Hour after hour,
Day after day,
Week after week.

And I don’t mean to complain,
but at the end of it all…
I feel so drained.

Whatever it is that I’m pouring,
it runs bitter long before it runs dry.
It’s murky and brackish,
this water supply.
The efforts of this waterlogged soul
grow listless as I dredge the depths
I’m wearied by all the sifting and rinsing.
Why must this be so complex?

There’s not enough time
for thoroughly cleaning
the filth of the day from my feet,
I’m just filling myself with whatever suffices,
whatever will help me feel less incomplete,
just to pour it all out once more.

Wash, rinse, repeat…
exhaustion and defeat.

But if this is how it’s supposed to work,
then why would I need grace?
And what must my failures mean?

It’s living water that I need,
to cleanse my system of grief and shame.
It can wash what I’ve walked through off of my soles,
’cause it can’t be diluted by worldly things.

It fills me with such a steady up-welling,
it feels like I’m finally buoyant.
And when You do the pouring,
not from me,
but through me,
the living water overflows me,
overruns me,
undertows me
and takes me where You’re going.

These earthly lungs are unaccustomed
to breathing living water,
as if they don’t remember where You made me.
Every time I try to surrender,
my chest gets tight and I gasp for air,
but I’m already drowning down here,
so really, what could the risk be?

This living water’s so sweet that it’s sticky,
It clings to me and purifies me,
It moves across me
and covers my sins,
filling me with peace.
It wicks into the crevices,
gently works its way in,
making the rough places smooth to the touch,
exposing the true shape
that I’ve always been…
but never liked so much.

No, this grace is not insurance,
it gives faith for assurance of things unseen.
It’s not something to fall back on,
nor something to try to never need.

It’s a lifeline already set in the flow,
and I have always been tied.
I was never really alone as I toiled,
insisting on working alone by Your side.

It was such a selfish, exhausting approach.
But even when I floundered,
It’s was Your grace that kept me afloat.
Now I know I can breathe,
here in the deep,
’cause it’s living water that’s covering me.

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